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Sunday, 15 February 2009

  • valentine's day...

    im kind of annoyed.
    first, my mom has to meet my bf, D.
    And he has to make up this shit, and like show off in front of her.
    open my door.
    yes yes its nice.
    but would he have done it if she wasn't watching?

    and then we finally get there.
    and there's like NO parking.
    so ridiculous.
    we ended up getting a spot all the way in the back of the theatre.
    and we have to walk hella far around the whole building to get to buy our tickets.
    we get there. and he's like... "you wanna buy urs first?"
    wow its a good thing i asked my mother for money just in case...
    so I don't drive. So I don't have a flippin ID right.
    well I got carded because Friday the 13th is rated R.
    So yeah, I end up buying my ticket to the univited.
    and we end up sneaking in.
    yeah that went fine.
    we ended up getting seats all the way in the back last row.....
    we sat by some interesting people to say the least.

    so the movie was pretty good.
    I was pretty jumpy.
    We got done, went back to the car, and came back to my house.
    We just sorta layed on the couch.
    And then he was all like "sorry I didn't get you a valentine.. I didn't know we were doing that"
    yeah, I'm a tad bit annoyed. bleh.

    i think im off to bed, so i can end this day and start a new one already.

Saturday, 14 February 2009

Thursday, 12 February 2009

  • Currently
    A Million Little Pieces
    By James Frey
    see related
    im sitting here at my computer. And I realized something. I haven't had a good patch of life in a while. About 2 and a half years ago I moved to California. It was a relief. I stopped having the nightmares of being stabbed by him. I stopped worrying about my weekends at my dad's house. Those always went terribly. Maybe I'll post a story about one, one of these days. I didn't have to think about anything bad. I was happy. Out in California. My mother, brother, and I were alone. We had very little family out here, and they weren't much help. We didn't even see them. We were ALONE.

    We didn't have much money. My mother got layed off. And things started to go bad. We got evicted. We ended up moving in with my mother's friend and co-worker. That was.... interesting. I didn't like living there. We were an hour away from where we used to live. I couldn't see my friends, and I hated it. I wanted to be back where we used to live. Of course, that never happened. We moved again. To the place where I live now. But even this place isn't happy. My brother started getting violent and abusive. He was angry all the time. And I have no idea over what. It got so bad that he had to move back in with my father. My mother couldn't control him. The sad part is, I don't even miss him. I don't miss anyone. I like by myself. My mother spends her nights at her boyfriends house, and spends her days working. I live here by myself, I don't see her on a daily basis. I'm lucky if I see her once every two days or so. But I just found out that I'll be moving in with her and her boyfriend. I'm pissed. How can she expect me to do this. I hate this guy. More than you would imagine. And why? I don't even know. People keep asking me that. And I have no answer. But I know how I feel. And I think my feelings trumpt knowing. Especially mine. I am really good at picking up on things. I dont know what it is. It's just like something I ended up being good at. LIke the only thing. I'm not good at anything. I have no purpose in life. I don't know what I'm going to do. I remember the bad, and none of the good. I want to remember the good. But there's just so much bad it takes all my space. There's no room for anything else.

    People are starting to notice. I hate that. I want to hide in my shell and not be noticed. I want to just be there. And not be THERE. Mentally that is. I hate getting that "are you okay" question. I can't answer it. The answer is almost always "no" and I hate that answer. Because when you say that you get that "oh i'm sorry" reply. And I HATE that even more. It's like you didn't do anything. You cared about me, that's what you did. So why are you sorry? What do you have to apologize for? I guess that's kind of one of my pet peeves. It is so annoying. I actually get mad when people tell me that they're sorry. Isn't that ridiculous? Yeah, it is.

  • what's been going on lately.

     So lets see. It's been about a week since I posted anything on here. Lately I've just been sorta blah. I keep thinking about how the world would be if I wasn't in it. Or rather, how my life would be if I wasn't here. 

    I broke up with my boy on Sunday, I thought I wanted to be out of the relationship, but then I thought I made a mistake, and now I'm not sure where I am. I feel almost like I just want to be in ANY relationship, and not necessarily a relationship with him. I've been really conflicted about a lot of things, I took this boy's virginity, only a week into the relationship. Which yes is fast I know. He spent the night at my house, we weren't going to have sex. But then we did. Some of his friends think I'm a slut that puts out easy, and I'm pretty sure most of them thought I was a virgin too.. Although I'm not.

    Lately, I've been really confused about my sexuality. I came out as Bisexual last year, but I'm still not sure if I'm Bi, or Gay. I KNOW I like girls. But my problem is if I like guys. Guys are tricky to me. I can hardly tell if one is "cute" or "hot." It's not very much fun when I go to the mall with my friends and they're all pointing out these hot guys. And I'm like just thinking to myself "what that guy is hot" "no check out that girl" I really want to have a relationship with a girl. But I don't really know any that would have a relationship with me. There's this girl that I really like, she lives about 3 hours away from me, and occasionally we spend a weekend or so together. I would really like to talk to her and tell her how I feel.... But I really don't like rejection, and I'm pretty sure that's all that I would get. I almost told her on Saturday at her birthday party that I threw her. I think I was whispering in her ear or something (I'm a little fuzzy on the details) and I'm pretty sure I was just about to tell her when my boyfriend (now ex) walked around the corner. Of course, I froze and didn't say anything else. Though I would really like to. I have been contemplating going to school by her. She invited me to. And I really need out of where I am now. (another story for another time) And she's also been talking about coming back down here and maybe us and another friend all getting an apartment together. This would be awesome if it happened. But I'm so scared of having false hope. Because if it doesn't work out, and I wished it to, I'm going to be a lot worse off then if I think of it as a small possibility. I wish I wasn't so unwilling to talk to people sometimes. It might be because she has a thing for her best friend, but would apparently never act upon it unless she was drunk. I however.. I have a really hard time not kissing her when I'm sober. I hate having to be in control of my body at all times. I have to be careful about what I think about when I'm even in the same room as her, because I'll just turn myself on. Ugh. I wish things weren't so complicated.


    Oh! and to the last post I posted about my dream. I thought about it. And I'm pretty sure the dream was like.. a "its over, now move on" type of thing. I don't really think I like this girl anymore. I don't think of her like that. I wouldn't get back with her. As of right now. I think I'm conpletely over her. And that's pretty good thing.

Friday, 06 February 2009

  • that was a bad dream... but i didnt want it to end.

    i've had a LOT going on in my life lately. my mom is never at home. i could possibly have pink eye, but haven't gone to the doctor. my mom informed me that we're moving in with her boyfriend in less than two months. i have had second doubts about the reasons for me and my boyfriend being together. and i got into a huge fight with my "best-friend"

    I'm pretty stressed out. It actually got to the point where i was talking to my friend about why i even put up with things and why i even bother to live anymore. this great friend told me i should never think like that. and he gave me the best hug today. which i was really thank ful for. but after i almost started crying. its just i love him. not in the romantic way. but i do love him. and he knows it. because he's the only non-guy family member i've actually said "i love you" to. wow. after i said that i thought to my self wow is he really the only guy i've ever said i love you to? and now that i think about it. he really is. i dont know what i would do with out this guy. i would probably have taken my own life by now if he hadn't of been there for me. i really do thank him. and i owe him more than i could ever give to him. he's kinda like me in a way. he's had it rough. he likes this girl. he's liked her FOREVER. and well he finally got the courage to ask her out. everyone knew it was happening. he made these signs for her. asking if she would go out with him. and had a bunch of friends hold them up for him. it was like the sweetest thing i have ever seen a guy do. and you know what happened. she said yes. but then the next day she talked to him, and she didn't feel the same way. but what else was she supposed to say in front of all those people that were watching what she was going to say. he hasnt gotten over her. its been months now. not sure exactly how many. he deserved her. he deserves someone. he does so much for everyone. i just wish he could be happy. and find someone who loved him back. because that is all that he deserves.

    but this post wasn't supposed to be about him. i got a little distracted. as i always do when i talk about him. <3

    On top of all this stress that I have, I had a dream about my ex. Oh man, did it take me forever to get over her. I'm not actually sure if I am completely over her. She's one of those people you're not sure if you can ever get over. I loved her. More than you can imagine. I was devestated when her mom found out about us, and made her transfer schools. Though she claims she wanted to transfer and that it wasn't fully her mom. Well anyway me and M (ex) had a really bad falling out after we "broke up." I dont even know if you could consider it breaking up, since we were never technically "together" we were more like friend's with benifits. But solely for the reason that her mother couldn't find out. I think there was like a whole five people that knew me and her had anything. I think if people did find out they wouldn't be suprised. We were pretty much inseperable. we had people ask us if we were together. Of course we always denied everything.

    Then one day she told me she loved me. It was so beautiful. We were laying in the grass. Together, me in her arms. And i said it back. This was the last day of school, or maybe it was the second to last.. I was happy, but at the same time I didn't know how to be happy, you see.. At this point her transfering schools was a possibility, and her mom was convinced i was "turning her daughter Bi" and well..... I guess that's what i did. M's mother didn't like me, and I wasn't allowed to call M on her house phone, which was a problem since she often got her phone taken away. For the most random things. It was frustrating. Well then I had to go to WI about a couple weeks into summer. And I was terrified that I wouldn't be able to see her before I left. I was going to be in WI for about a month (visiting family) and I didn't want to go that long without seeing her. Yeah, well I didn't get to see M for the entire time i was there. But then we found out we were going to be at summer school together. But by this time M had found out that she would be transfering schools, and since she had spent pretty much the entire year practically joined at the hip to me, she decided that she "needed to spend time with the rest of her friends before she didn't get to see them anymore" 

    I was devestated. I knew things had changed between us. And I realized I needed to start trying to get over her. That went HORRIBLY. I didn't want to be over her, so naturally I didn't try that hard to get over her. We didn't talk for a long time. But I couldn't stand it. I wanted my best friend back. I couldn't live with out her. Well I couldn't hold a conversation with her, whether it be text, aim, myspace message, phone call. whatever it was, after we would get done and say goodbye I would just cry afterwards. I knew it wasn't working. I tried to stop talking to her. I ignored some of her texts. And when she didn't catch my drift. I told her I couldn't be her friend right now. Because It just wasn't working for me. That i needed time to get over her. I didn't explain myself. And I felt like I needed to explain. She desrved that much. So I wrote her a letter. The most emotion filled letter I think I have ever written, and for me is hard. When it comes to SOs I'm not very good at expressing how I feel. I usually just pretend like everything is fine. Well she never responded to the letter. She didn't have to. I told her she didn't even have to read it if she didn't want to. I just wanted to know that i had sent it. Well one day she IMed me and then signed off. This IM brought me back to reality. I couldn't just leave her behind like she didn't exist. I needed her in my life. Even if it was just as a friend. I need her friendship, I've realized this now. Which is why I'm slowly starting to talk to her again. But it's hard. Because we go to different schools. I still can't call her on her home phone. And she is rarely on AIM. I could always message her on myspace. But I don't think that's very personable.

    Now that you have a little bit of back up information, onto my dream.

    M and I were sitting on a bus. We were talking. I'm not sure where it was going. She was facing me talking. I dont know what we were talking about. I was just happy to be in her presence. I havent seen her for a while. And when I did see her.. it went horribly because i just ran out crying. and didn't talk to her. I basically gave her a huge cold shoulder. ANYWAYS.. we were on this bus. And she reached out and grabbed my hand. she kissed it. oh you dont even know how much I missed that. how much i missed her touch. and to think it was fake. what a tease my head plays on me. well we heard like a throat clearing. and we looked back. And who is it but her mother in the seat behind her and her little sister in the seat behind me. (we weren't in the same seat, and the bus was like a school bus or something similiar) well it was there stop. so her mother walked up gave me a hug and said "i'm sorry things didn't work out the way you planned" by this time i was crying. her mother and sister got off the bus. followed by M. she turned around and looked at me. The way she used to look at me. Like she loved me. And I wanted nothing more than to go with her, and be with her forever. Then...


    i fucking woke up crying. yeah. i was not happy. all i wanted to do was go back to the dream and follow her, be with her. be anywhere but in my bed crying. what a way to wake up? well then i set my FB status to "C thinks that was a very bad dream" and i only think it was bad because I have a boyfriend now. Someone who i should be dreaming about. not my EX. and what's worse. he asked me what my dream was about. and i couldn't answer. I don't know how i could ever explain this to him. Especially since only like 5 people even know about her and I.

    i dont think i'm over her yet...
    i'm not sure if i ever will be.

    do you think it's fair be be with a SO if you're still emotionally attached to someone else?




tryingtobenormal

  • Visit tryingtobenormal's Xanga Site
    • Name: tryingtobenormal
    • Gender: Female
    • Member Since: 1/25/2009

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  • im just a girl trying to make it in this world.

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